


I want to go where you are

by sunbeamsoph



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Broken Heart, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love, loss of partner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 02:37:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5440349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbeamsoph/pseuds/sunbeamsoph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Celeana has just lost Sam and does not know how to cope with life anymore. Can she really live without him? How could such a thing be possible?<br/>This is my version of what happened the days after Sam's death and how Celaena acted in her deepest grief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I want to go where you are

**Author's Note:**

> Before you read I want to warn about detailed descriptions of panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.   
> Actions of self harm is described in the story as well. If this triggers you DO NOT READ THIS FIC!
> 
> It might not be a happy story, but it helped me cope with things in my own life as I wrote it.  
> Hope you wont be too hard on me since it's one of my first works!

Everything was quiet. Dark. Curtains closing out everything but a few strokes of daylight founding their way in, resting peacefully upon the carpet. It could just as well have been two different worlds on either sides of the building walls. Was time passing? Was it standing still? It didn’t matter. Not anymore.

Celaena could slowly feel her continence regaining as the light teased her eyelids. No, not yet. Please let her fall back into the impassive sleep. Anything but waking up and remembering it all again. Being struck by the pain, over and over, not being able to escape. It was too much. She saw no end to it, the sorrow washed over her with the same pitiless power every time she became awake enough to think. And to feel.

She reached over to grab another set of sleeping pills but as she picked up the container it felt alarmingly light. She shook it upside down without any luck.

“SHIT!”

Empty. She threw herself back onto the pillow, hiding deep under the covers trying to force herself back to sleep. Impossible, she was not even close to succeeding, and panic started to spread through her veins. The memories were close now, she scented their presence just in the outline of her mind. She wasn’t strong enough. She couldn’t keep them out, not without the pills.

Sam was-

She hugged her knees tight to her chest, bracing herself for what was about to begin.

Sam was dead.

The cramping started before she even finished the sentence in her head. Her breathing escalated, shallow, shallow breaths, arms hugging knees as she tried to hold herself together. Tried to not fall apart. She didn’t even notice the tears streaming down her face, the snot getting mixed up in her hair and open mouth. Open, jaws locked in a silent scream.

An hour passed.

Then another.

Every time she thought she could regain control, slow down her breaths and be foolish enough to relax just a tiny bit - it started all over again. The panic clawed up her throat, swept the mat under her feet and let her fall. Fall fall fall. Down down down. Into the darkness, without anything to hold on to.

After what seemed like an eternity later her breathing was back to a somewhat normal pace. Her body was tight, sore and stiff. Yet she couldn’t let go of her knees. She felt like she would break if she let herself go, like if she relaxed just a tiny bit the pieces that was her body would scatter and disperse right onto the floor.

Now when the uncontrollable anxiety started to fade away all that remained was a hole in her chest. Celaena's body was not big enough to fit all this pain inside. Pain, guilt, anger, sorrow, all blended in a deadly mix, taking over where the last emotion left off. Not a single cell was free of it, the pain left no space in between to rest, to regain any energy what so ever.

The knot in her stomach grew every second. Even though she’d lost track of time she knew she couldn’t have been blacked out for too long since it was still light outside. Celaena wondered how many days it had been since she last ate something. It was close to a miracle she was still alive, a thought so ironic it almost made her laugh. It wasn’t fair. Her throat was uncomfortably dry though and didn’t allow such a thing as a joyless giggle. She knew she should drink something if she wanted to see the next day.

The problem was just that – she didn’t. She didn’t care. Maybe it was all for the best, if she just let herself die right here. In the bed that still slightly smelled of him. The bed she just days ago shared with the only one she’d ever let herself trust. The only one she’d ever loved. And now she’d never see him again.

She took a deep breath of the untouched pillow beside her and didn’t try to stop the tears from coming this time.

“I miss you” she sobbed into the empty air.

“I miss you. I miss you I miss you I MISS YOU, DAMN IT”

As she covered her face in the fabric she let herself cry and scream, the sound dulled by the sheets, violently hitting the bedframe repeatedly as hard as she could. She didn’t stop, not even when she felt her skin break and blood trickled down her arm, leaving marks on the wall, the bed, on her face. Slowly, one beat at a time, her energy drained. And finally, bruised and damaged and exhausted, sleep wrapped its comforting arms around her once again.

____________________________

 

The next time Celaena opened her eyes the room was in complete darkness. Probably night time then, she assumed. The light and uncomfortable sleep did almost nothing but manage to make her even more tired, yet she couldn’t fall back asleep. Her whole body was heavy, her eyes red and swollen, and her heart ached as never before. The pain was so physical, every movement required all her energy, more wearying than any fight she had yet endured.

_He’s not coming back. Never._

The thought did not make sense. Her whole body still remembered his, how it felt to be embraced by his strong arms from behind, how his skin smelled of her lavender soap before she made him use the cheap one because of her petty self. Why had she even cared? Why did she even value such things? She would trade everything she owned for a poor life as long as she could have Sam. But she couldn’t. And she had herself to blame.

Slowly she sat up, threw the covers aside and went to the drawer, opened it and gently picked up one of Sam’s big shirts. One she hadn’t washed since he used it. She buried her face in it, inhaled the scent of him. Sweat, blood, salt, and cheap soap. The scent she loved most in the world. And it would fade and she would forget and she didn’t want to live in a world where she didn’t remember him. Every part of him. Her Sam.

She ripped her now dirty and smelling clothes violently away from her body, not caring of how the threads broke as she did it. Then she poured up a bath, cleaned herself properly before she finally let Sam’s used t-shirt slide over her body. It went all the way down to her knees, creating a comforting illusion of protection. A little bit of Sam embracing her again. One last time.

And with that feeling she walked straight out of the door, not caring about pants or even underwear. As she stepped into the night a shiver traveled through her body. The air was chill, generating goosebumps on her skin, coldness of the stony ground freezing her bare and sensitive feet. Her mind barely registered it though, and she started walking without knowing where she was headed. Her legs seemed to travel on their own, away from the lights, away from the city and life and misery. Further into the darkness. Into the shadows. Unconsciously looking for a place where everything matched her state of mind.

And then, not knowing if she had walked for minutes of hours, Celaena found herself on a mountaintop, looking out over a bed of trees, stretching away in every direction. Just behind the edge of the forest the lights of the city shone bright. Her city. Her home. At least it used to be, up until now. A home she had refused to leave, even for Sam. If she hadn’t been so stubborn, he would not be dead.

_My fault. My fault. My fault._

She sat down, letting her legs hang over the cliff, feeling the empty air below. It would be so easy. Just push herself over the edge, to give in for the loud noise in her head screaming at her that she didn’t deserve to live. She had nothing left anyway. She pushed herself a little further out on the edge, balancing on a thin line between life and death.

“Why should I go on? WHY? Give me ONE good reason and I’ll listen. Give me a sign. Sam, if you’re there. God. Whatever. Just something. Please..” Her voice turned into a whisper at the end of the sentence. She knew it was silly, yelling out into nothing and no one, but she had lost all sense of dignity long ago anyway. “Sam, I want to go where you are. I can’t do this alone. I need you. Sam…” The plea echoed in the air, unanswered.

She took a breath. Closed her eyes, breathing in the forest around her. Mud and bark, grass and leaves, letting it rinse her cloudy mind. She opened her eyes slightly, surprised to see a golden light illuminating in the horizon. The sun was rising, casting long shadows on the ground created by tall buildings and trees. It was like watching a picture out of a fairytale come to life. The sunbeams seemed to frame the objects with shining gold as the sun rose higher, making the world shimmer with magic.

And in that moment, everything was crystal clear. She remembered then, the reasons to go on. To keep on living. She remembered life, and what it was supposed to be. What it could have been, but also what it could become. She could have had everything with Sam. And now she would never have that, a life where she could love and be loved and let herself be happy. But she could still live. She should. She didn’t just owe it to herself, she owed it to him, and to her other self she escaped years ago. To make right. To fight, not give up. That was what she was destined to do. She did not have the right to make this decision, not when so many people had lost their lives when she had not.

She moved back from the edge, picked up her feet and hugged her knees tight as she had become used to. This time it was more for comfort, support, not a desperate attempt at holding herself together. She had to choose life. She would force herself to get through this, even though it meant getting over Sam. Even when she would start forgetting the shape of his face. The sound of his laugh, the softness of his hair through her fingers. The gravity of his body, as if a force was pulling her towards him as soon as they were even inches apart. The glow of desire in his eyes when he looked at her. The warmth in her stomach and fireworks in her chest when he kissed her. The brush of his lips against hers, the shiver through her body as they exchanged breaths. Like they could sense each other’s souls while they did.

Celaena knew that memories don’t last. Not as they were when they were created. They fade, take different shapes, gets overgrown by new memories and takes away one piece of the memory at a time. Until all that’s left is this vague feeling of something you used to know, something that at some point was real but could all the same have been a dream.

She sat there, watching the sun climb all the way to the sky, letting the tears run down her face. Dark spots was created on Sam’s shirt as they fell and was absorbed by the fabric. She would sacrifice what she had with Sam to live. It was what he would have wanted. Not she, but that didn’t matter. She wasn’t doing it for herself.

Celaena gave herself until the sun was at its highest point in the sky to sit there and cry. To mourn and be broken and miserable and wretched. Then she got up on unstable and shaky legs, turned around and started to walk back. Back to the city, to her apartment, to life.

She paused for a second to look back over the mountain.

“Wait for me Sam” was all she said, before continuing her journey back home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!   
> If you want to find me on tumblr im there at sunbeamsoph.  
> Feel free to message me about anything, lots of love ♥


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